A Love Lost

Trying to figure yourself out is not an easy process. We all go through trials and tribulations and those be the things that shape us into who we are. Today I really realized that I’ve lost sight as to who I am. My childhood was very traumatizing. My mom was a single mom and it seemed as though she cared about all the wrong things. She was into clubbing, drugs, men and just never grew from that point. There was always a different man in and out of her life, many leaving her with another child to raise alone. I’ve always resented her because she was not the mother and role model that I needed her to be. As a result I never really learned how to love. I never learned how to connect with people. Never let them get to close to me emotionally. As a result I have lived a very distant and disconnected life with my peers as well as myself. I always had goals for myself and things that I was very passionate about accomplishing. Having my son right out of high school changed a lot of that. I was a mom but didn’t get it at that point. I was into relationship after relationship. Heartache after heartache not realizing that I don’t know how to have a relationship. I don’t know how to connect with people or let them in. I put my goals on hold trying to fill this void and I didn’t even realize it. Today I was thinking about the places I’ve been as well as the places I want to go. It seems as though time fly’s by in the blink of an eye and you lose sight of the things you wanted to accomplish. I have decided its time I take my life back. I need to figure myself out. Find out what makes me happy. Find out who I am. I need to learn how to connect with myself as well as others. I need to learn to love myself for my faults as well as my successes. Its not going to be an easy journey because I will first need to let go of my past. A past that I don’t really want to visit because of the pain that the truth will cause. But its the only way I can move forward. I’m in a relationship now that I cherish a lot. I fear that this journey will jeopardize it but its a risk I have to take. I have a business I want to start, a degree I want to obtain, and a child that I need to raise above the best of my abilities. He needs a mother that can guide him in the right direction. A mother that can teach how to deal with adversity and life. A mom that will be able to love him whole hearted and teach him how to love back. This is my testimony and this is my new beginning.